There are a lot of feelings that prompt feelings of love and kindness. Do these feelings pull me towards acting in a manner that is in alignment with my responsibility to Love? If so I believe them to be “spiritual” or “flow” or “Oneness” or “synchronicity” or “Gaia” or “golden thread” or “divinity”. Whatever you want to call it every single person in the earth is able to feel these feelings through multiple mechanisms. As I’ve pursued these different modalities; Mormonism, Christianity, Buddhism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Bwiti, and plant based medicines, I have seen that this marvellous feeling is consistently available to everyone on the planet. The more I focus on it and focus on being present with acting in love the more easily these feelings are repeatable. I have a constant nagging though I’m the back of my mind that tells me that I’m a sinner and that I’m not allowed to have these spiritual experiences because of my sins. This is something that I’m trying to unlearn but it feels like I’m acknowledging that the religion teaches that I’m likely one of the worst humans on the planet. Other than killing or significant violence to others I have committed every other “sin” I can think of. For the first 35+ years I took at face value what I was told at church because i was conditioned while young to believe that EVERYTHING at church was “true”. But what is true? I was told not to trust my heart if it didn’t line up exactly with what the church leaders taught. There were so many things that just “didn’t feel right”. I constantly doubt myself because I feel like I was taught to “trust the leaders”. Maybe the high frequency of spiritual experiences is just to pull me back to Mormonism but in these moments of clarity I feel that it serves it’s purpose for me and that I’m on the path I’m supposed to be on. It feels very confusing breaking this conditioning
I feel compelled to write my journey with as minimal filters as appropriate because digging into my soul has been messy work and painful and ugly and beautiful and amazing. Why do i care if anyone else feels this? What are my motivations for doing this? Is it money? Fame? Redemption for my sins? Conditioning?
When i close my eyes sometimes i see this balding white haired man smoking a joint and speaking with a young person. They are listening to my journey as they try to understand their journey. There are tears in my eyes. I can see this moment of my future self almost as vividly as I see myself sitting on this bench writing this book. At the same time the future me sees the current me and comprehneds the entire path of life and where it has lead. Future self is sending love to me back through time. Current me is sending love forward through time and this pattern continues where I’m timeless and can tap into various phases in my existence for support during any time necessary. God is eternal. I’m eternal. Eternity exists outside of “time” there is therefore no reason why my soul can’t travel anywhere that it needs in the moment.
This makes me feel like I’m going crazy….or am I just explaining it in a different way that someone else will understand?
