I look into the abyss. I sit on the edge of the darkness and feel fear. I fear the abyss. I fear the darkness. I can not see the bottom of the abyss. Perhaps that’s why it’s so scary. It feels so dark and ominous that I don’t know what to do. I’m paralysed with fear yet here I sit. This is the darkness and the abyss of my soul. I’ve spent so much of my life hating this part of my soul. I’ve been taught i hate it. I’ve been taught to fear it. To reject it. To not speak of it. To deny that it exists. But here it is. I can sit on its edge and see the darkness.
I’ve feared looking into it for so long. What is it that i fear? Do i fear the darkness? Or is it the change that comes with acknowledging the darkness? Perhaps it’s shame? Perhaps it’s guilt? Perhaps I will be comfortable with the darkness and I’ve been told darkness is evil and will lead straight to hell. But here I look. Here I peer in. Here is where I must do my work. It is here that I must spend some time. I have neglected this region of my Soule for too long. I must look into the darkness. I must learn to love it because it is part of me and I love me.
I embrace the anger and the things that it teaches me. I embrace the fear and the many many things that i learn about myself from the fear. My fear teaches me where I am strong and where I am weak. My anger reveals unhealed wounds. I’m angry at Mormons for their judgemental bullshit and this teaches me that i am in turn judgemental of all Mormons for being wilfully ignorant of the lies and deception. My anger reveals that I haven’t healed from the feelings of having been manipulated to act and believe the things that the organisation wanted me to. My anger reveals that I still have a long way to feel that I have forgiven them. My fear teaches me that I’m not yet ready to undertake some of the darkness that I have glimpsed.
I’m not yet ready to be completely vulnerable with others because I struggle to be completely honest with myself. I’m not honest with myself about my motivations or my desires. I’m not honest about what i actually believe. My actions are not always consistent with the things that i say and i feel like a hypocrite. I feel like a fraud. I feel like I have nothing to offer others. I feel like I’m more valuable to the world financially if I’m dead.
I don’t trust anyone including myself. Everyone has let me down. Everyone has lied to me at one point, either intentionally or not. Everyone has deceived me, including myself. I can’t trust myself because I repeatedly have said that i will do things but then don’t do them. How many times have i said i wouldn’t look at porn again or masturbate again? How many times have i said that i would stop drinking just to say that one more time is ok? I lack any sort of confidence in myself and it’s partially due to the fact that I don’t trust what i once believed was the Divine plan. My moral compass has been shattered as a result of this shattered trust. Who the fuck am i supposed to trust? I have feelings that tell me one thing but the world and the Mormon church and my family tell me that I’m full of shit. This path feels like it’s the path I’m supposed to be on but everything that I was taught in my youth is yelling “you’re fucking lost and fallen”. I’m going to hell…or am i already here?
These are the things that i see as i look into the abyss. These are the things that the light of love shows me need to be resolved in my soul. I need to come to terms with all parts of me. I need to come to terms with the darkness in me regardless of how ugly and dark it might be.
So I look into the abyss for a little longer. I consider the things that I am able to influence. I consider and ponder this reality that i have constructed. I deconstruct slowly the wrong views that I have built. I ask over and over again “is this true?” And over and over the views that I constructed shatter. The darkness in me is challenging all that I once perceived as reality. My world is thrown upside down because I have peered over the edge of the abyss and dared to face this part of myself.
This is the work that I must do. I must stare down the darkness, sit with it, understand it, and love it. For it is me. And above all else I must first love me…exactly the way that I am in this very moment.